Saturday, June 29

Glimmer




I was going to post this in the comments, but had too many things I wanted to say. I still read your blog... not every day, but I do read. It helps me to see how things are going with you, because I think of you sometimes and wonder how things are, and I feel like a total bothersome, needy ass trying to write/email anyone anymore. I fluctuate between self-isolating because I over-share and over-sharing because I self-isolate.

I continue to read your blog because I love your way with words, even if to express the deep pain you seem to be in. “Am I to suffer this forever? I am so estranged from life. I have come away from the world.” I feel like that a lot lately myself--off and on since the start of the new year, actually--and I really have no idea what to do about it, other than to try to hold on until I finally go off to uni again and hope that that experience will brighten my skies and my horizons. It's not a new feeling, but one I've been hounded by for most of my life. But it’s hard. I have no friends here, I feel estranged from most of my family, and trying to be social at all feels like a chore at best and a test at worst, and it hurts to see everyone succeeding--and just living and loving and growing, basically--when I am so clearly not. The constant fight against my own mind is the hardest part. The nights are very lonely, especially.

Sometimes, it all just seems so futile...and it makes me want to die, just so as to get away from all the expectations and emptiness and dread and despair. But there are things that convince me that I, that we, must continue--if not for our own sakes, then to help others. There are things that give me some small feeling of hope, some small feeling of humanity, like DOMA finally being repealed or watching that woman senator filibustering in Texas for the rights of women on Tuesday night. I don’t know. Maybe those are useless things to feel hopeful about. I don’t really have any advice, and I don't feel like you were soliciting any. I just wanted to try to reach out, I guess.

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