Wednesday, February 19

Fellatio, Louvres & Lunch

I was afraid that the neighbours might see us because we were in front of a window. The pizza would be arriving soon. I stood up afterwards and felt dizzy. Something ran down my thigh. I could not stand; she smiled at me and did not believe me; she believed that I was fooling around. Tremours made me unsteady. I was out of breath. She was still smiling at me. She sat in my chair and rocked on her bum and smiled at me. The pizza was delivered—by a knock on the door—and she was still wiping her mouth and smiling at me.

All it ever seems to do is rain. When I am on my lunchtime walk, I see the people running here & there, trying to escape the rain, which is grey and everlasting. One road that I walk down—because it is quiet—is behind a building. There are big louvres there that throw out the warm stale air from the offices above; eight storeys of office exhaling in one day-long blast. Bicycle couriers eat their lunch there, next to the louvres, because it is so warm. From thermos flasks, from lunchboxes, from foil wrappers, they eat and eat away beside their bikes. It is, though still raining, the warmest place for bicycle couriers to eat their lunch, just there, next to the louvres with the office breathing down their necks.

My parents and I were walking to the pub. The wind was riotous; still angry from the night before; hungover; a little troublesome to walk in. It started to rain and, climbing the prom with our hands in our pockets, the rain stung our cheeks so that we could not see each other. I was so happy to be with them. I watched the sea be violent toward the shore. We sat in the window of the pub and had our drinks. There were very few people in there; the couples sat in the silence; the men behind us were naming streets in London—and, to think, I had escaped that city for the weekend! We got our food and talked and drank. I was just so happy to be with them; I cannot deny, I had forgotten what happiness was like or what it smelled of (booze and my mother’s fabric softener).

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