Tuesday, December 16

Twenty-Two

THIS PIECE OF writing contains twenty-two units of alcohol but I couldn’t tell you how they got here. This piece of writing would best be read on a Friday night or a Saturday afternoon, best for when you don’t have work the next day; otherwise you will be tired and unable to summon the energy to get through your busy day. If you read this piece of writing many times and then go to work it is likely that you will vomit into your mouth and have to swallow it.
Though the night is long – do not read this poem and go for a drive. The headlights will put down their unorthodox triangles and the blackness that swamps your car will be comforting, particularly if you are the only one in the vehicle, but do not read this poem and drive because you will not be in full control and the speed with which you make decisions will be impaired. The police and their torches will not like you. No one in law enforcement will take kindly to you reading this piece of writing and then getting behind the wheel of an automobile. Do not attempt to pay the policeman off with a reading of this piece of writing.
Pregnant women with your bellies out and the skin all tight and fluid, do not read this piece of writing, not even a line or two. The baby may be born with severe emotional trauma or the unswerving habit of seeking solace in the company of silent animals. You have been warned. Perhaps your lover is out and you thought you would run yourself a bath, light some candles and read this piece of writing; don’t. I cannot stress that enough.
If you are a mother and you are breastfeeding your infant, do not read this piece of writing and breastfeed your infant. This piece of writing will work its way into your breastmilk and reduce your infant’s nourishment and suckling satisfaction.
If you are headed out for a night on the town and feeling the twist of nerves and excitement in your guts, you may wish to consider reading this piece of writing before you leave to meet your friends. Reading this piece of writing before a night out may help you relax enough to dance. Many people will be unable to dance without the adequate – but finely balanced! – amount of intoxication. This piece of writing may help you. Read responsibly but dance obliviously.
A word of warning to those wishing to fuck after reading this piece of writing: it will affect your energy levels and the sensitivity of your precious pink genitals. Your experience may be dulled due to numbness of the glans of the penis, for example. Unless your partner is particularly skilled, you may not climax at all but instead wake to find abrasions on sensitive skin as tributes to your night of exhausted mischief. However, reading this piece of writing – just a paragraph or two – may deliver all the daring one needs to try something different in the bedroom and thus potentially enjoy a refreshing and sensual experience.
Do not read this piece of writing if you are intent on using heavy machinery, or if you are on antibiotics. The latter, when used mixed with this piece of writing, may have adverse affects, making one lovedrunk or potentially homicidal. Always consult your doctor. Do not offer this piece of writing to your doctor.
After all is said and done, once you have finished reading this piece of writing, you may want to contemplate using it as a vase for the flowers that are for sale in the train station. Or you can wash it out, dry it and put your own message into it before you bung it with a cork and throw it out to sea so that maybe someone on a faraway shore picks it up. The message could be something along the lines of—‘Hello there!’ or—‘Don’t you think you and I’d be great lovers together?’ or—‘The sky is falling in, enjoy it while it lasts.’

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