Tuesday, June 2

Subject: Long


It all started a long time ago. At the beginning of January, early in our relationship, I sent some very inappropriate texts of a sexual nature to two girls when I was drunk, on two separate occasions (one each). The next morning, sober, I realised I had done a horrible thing. I kept quiet. This is where I went wrong. Rather than tell L-, I kept it secret. I think the reason I did this is I underestimated our relationship; I’m not making excuses, I think that’s what I did, & it was stupid, wasteful & horrible. It’s the biggest sin I’ve committed in my life. It’s the sin the has hounded me. I would give everything in the world to undo it, but I can’t. I guess I thought that I knew I had done an appalling thing, & that I had learned from it, & that if I could get away without her knowing then all the better. It was a selfish action, one of self-preservation.

She found out. They contacted her and she found out. She left me, down the street, crying; she only came back for an explanation. Somehow I salvaged the relationship. I apologised. I begged & pleaded. I felt sick. I knew I had done a terrible thing.

From then on, nothing was the same. She had been cheated on before, & now I had cheated on her, but, for some reason, she forgave me. But she did not forget. Again, this is not something I can blame her for.

I was immature & stupid. Rather than go through all social media & my phonebook blocking/deleting girls from the past, I didn’t. I don’t know why I didn’t, but I didn’t. I don’t believe I had any agenda; I was just stupid & was not putting her first, her feelings first. When a girl from the past ‘liked’ an instagram photo, for instance, she became very upset & angry with me. No doubt she suspected I was up to something or had feelings for them, I don’t know. She probably thought that, above all else, I was disrespecting her but not following her wishes. I blocked the girl, from all social media. Then a girl from the past (Rebecca, who I went to visit in Netherlands) messaged me on whatsapp. We were round yours, watching, somewhat ironically, ‘Life is Beautiful’. I hadn’t blocked that girl. There was nothing sinister in the message or in our outdated friendship, but L- did not trust me. She had every reason to not trust me. Again, somehow, we scraped through. Then, many months later (October, I think) a girl messaged me on instagram with a somewhat sketchy goal, it seemed. I felt sick upon receiving the message. I forget what happened, but L- found out. I think I told her the next night. I told her what had happened, she got mad for me not telling her right away & for not having shown her the message (which I deleted as soon as I received it, the sender also blocked). Again, another row, she disappeared for the evening and I got drunk & cried a lot. Another girl from the past ‘favourited’ a tweet of mine. L- saw this & was not happy. So I deleted my twitter. There was no social media for me anymore.

Written down here it seems like a lot of girls, a lot of incidents. You know I was unpopular in school. However, my internet persona attracted a lot of interest from girls & I courted that interest, played up to it. It was shallow, it was hollow, but I did it. But now my past was interfering with my present (& my future) & I was much too immature to deal with it correctly. I adopted a sort of ‘what mother doesn’t know won’t kill her’ kind of attitude at times, not thinking of how it would affect L-, but only looking out for myself. I will admit that she was making me a better person, I know that, I’ve told her that. She was showing me what real love was & all those past ‘relationships’ or ‘friendships’ or whatever you want to call them, meant, ultimately, nothing. I was becoming a better person. It was because of her that I wanted to & was becoming a better person.

I was in love with L-. I always thought I knew what love was before, but I didn’t. It was just silly infatuation I had for people who didn’t deserve it. And then when I met someone who did deserve it, I squandered the opportunity.

By this point our relationship was dying somewhat. She was ill & it was affecting her mood & often I was on the receiving end of that. We were not having sex. At times she acted as though she was physically repulsed by me. If there was any time a man might cheat, it would have been then. I did not look forward to going home to her. The relationship exhausted & depressed me. But I loved her, with all of my heart. Over everything I loved her. Perhaps that is irrational. I had not known love like that before & it amazed me that I could love someone as intensely as I did my own mother. I knew that we could get through it, & things would be how they were & I would be happy again because she would be happy again. Both of us could be happy together & I would support her through it. I didn’t care. I just wanted her to be okay.

At Christmas she came back & realised she was unhappy with us, with our relationship. We had a chat. Somehow, again, we got through it & were still together. I was unhappy with her, at that time, but I knew that one day we could be happy again. I’ve told you all about the relationship then, & you know how unhappy I was. I’ve told you that I told Walshy that when we’re good, it’s the best thing on the planet, but when we’re not, it’s the worst thing ever. I had known us at our best & I had known us at our worst.

I got a new twitter account. I didn’t think it was any big deal but at the same time I knew that she would not like it. But the reason she would not like it was because I kept it a secret. Regardless, & for a reason I’ll never know, I kept it a secret. This is just another example of the opportunities I’ve had to do the right thing, & failed. I should have told her ‘I’ve got a new twitter account’ & she would be upset, even though I was being honest, & keeping her informed, which is what she had always asked me to do. Lord only knows why I didn’t tell her.

Finally it was up to her to bring the relationship to an end. I was devastated. However, I was optimistic that I might feel better & that maybe we would get back together; this I hoped more than anything. I never accepted the break-up because I always thought we’d get back together. It never really sunk in, as well as me dealing with Nan’s death. My mind was all over the place. I was sure we would get back together.

She still dominated my thoughts & I missed her something destructive. All day everyday I thought of her. We met up a few times. It was wonderful, like we were dating. We were happy to see each other & I had that old happiness again. I remembered the reasons why I loved her so. Each meeting was perfect.

Then things started to change. She couldn’t come to see me for some reason. There was always a reason why she couldn’t see me. I noticed that I was always the one asking to meet. I was always the one visiting her at work. I showed up at her work, when she said she was too busy & couldn’t be seen going outside; when I met her, she was just folding clothes. When she visited me, I thought it was because I was buying us prosecco & a dominos. She was skint. I understood that, but she acted as though she was doing me a favour putting some money on her oyster so she could come & visit me. Maybe this was all in my head. I was so paranoid that, after all this, she did not want us to get back together. We met up one Saturday & she couldn’t stay because we was going around her friends’ to watch Eurovision. It was the way it had been near the end of our relationship: her putting her friends before me. The next night, when she was due to stay over, she couldn’t because, in the end, it’d mean she had to carry her stuff around with her the next day when she was out with her friends. My neurosis took this as she didn’t want to be with me.

I realised that we were not getting back together, but were going to stay friends. Being friends with her is not something I could manage. We were due to meet up. I wanted to chat: about ‘us’ & whether there was any hope of us getting back together. She was very ill. She had been bleeding all day. The next day she was still very ill, feeling bad but the bleeding had calmed down. She was due to go out with her friends from work. Before, in similar instances - ill etc - she had cancelled on me. I suspected she would cancel on her friends. She didn’t. That is when I thought that we had become strangers again. I was trying to be the boyfriend of someone who only wants friends - it was a paranoia I had had for a long time, that I had been peripheral to her friendships (new years eve when she was with her friends & I was standing alone, only to wait & wish her a happy new year afterwards; I always thought I played second fiddle to her friends).

That night I said that I needed to cool off from her, that we should stop talking for a bit. I was very angry. I was still obsessed with her, & she was not obsessed with me. That made me feel like the biggest idiot on the planet. I had to move on. I had to forget about L-. It had been two months. I had to move on.

The next night, I got drunk & kissed a coworker. She was a coworker I knew liked me, so I knew it’d be easy. I thought that maybe I would feel good & like I could move on & that everything would get better. Quite the opposite happened. I cried down the street, feeling I’d cheated L- again. I was in a terrible mood all weekend (you probably noticed, though I wonder if you can tell the difference anymore). I texted L- saying I hoped she was going to have a good break at her parents, & I got no response. L- had responded all to eagerly to the suggestion we calm down communicating.

Then she discovered my twitter. The week before she had asked whether I had one, & I told her I did. She went into a mood with me. Well, she found my twitter. Which wasn’t a problem, because I had nothing to hide. Except it proved one very important thing: she could not trust me. She could not trust me to tell her things (when I knew me having a twitter account would upset her). I was, in her words, too secretive. I asked her if I could email her. She said I could’t. She no longer liked me. She said we would not be getting back together because she couldn’t trust me.

That night I wrote about the kiss & how it affected me.

L- read it & this morning she said, basically, that we were no longer talking. We were no longer friends. It was all the nails in the coffin. I started crying at my desk, of course. It was horrible.

Everything good, I had ruined. The very little goodness left in us I had drained. I had squandered it. She spoke to me like I was her enemy. I almost threw up; I had to contain myself. So I just cried at my desk. If I had had any chance of getting back with her, it was gone. If there was any chance of us being friends, it was gone.

I accept the blame for everything. I make no excuses for myself & I cast no guilt on her. It was all my fault. I ruined it all. It’s all on me. I basically exercised a pattern that could only lead to someone distrusting and ultimately falling out of love with me. This was someone I loved more than anyone else I have loved (excluding you & dad of course (a love I never thought I’d find)) & I had upset them in a way I could never comprehend. I no longer deserve her, I recognise that. I am suffering for my actions in the most painful way.

I now know why R- tried to kill himself. Last night I was making that millennium falcon model I bought in Florida & held up a pair of scissors. I worked out where I would need to stab myself to avoid ribs & penetrate the heart. Today I thought of throwing myself in front of a bus. I saw the bus & registered the speed it was going, but I thought I might survive. I don’t want to end up like R-. This evening I came home & made a slipknot out of my belt & hung it from the beam on the mezzanine. I considered it, but then I saw it was too near the bed, which I would use to prop myself back up again. I broke down in the kitchen, again & again, while trying to wash up. I’m crying now. I almost called the samaritans; it always seemed silly to me to call the samaritans. The truth is I’m too much a coward to commit suicide, & I could never put you & dad through it. I could certainly do myself in. It would be painful but the pain would be short-lived. I could never do it to you & dad. I promise. I don’t know what to do anymore. You can’t make someone fall in love with you again. I guess I just have to stomach it, ride it out. It’s the worst thing I’ve know, sincerely.

I’m trying to be a more honest, transparent person. This e-mail is because of that, I suppose. Don’t call me, but thank you for reading it. I just had to get it out there. I’m only going to try & be a better person, & get through this & come out on the other side. This is the worst thing I’ve ever known.

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